Walking in the rain...

I love walking in the rain. People tell me that I am crazy to do that but I like it. I like the raindrops hitting my head, wetting my hair, soaking me through. I like the feeling of standing there while other people scram for cover. The rain clears my thoughts and cleans my entire self throughly. The cold temperature adds an extra dimension to my brain, shocking it into life. For me, it never seems to just drizzle, it pours. It is always a thunderstorm. Short and heavy. Wiping everything away. Emptying all my worries. I love it. The rain is really something that I need. If the conditions are right, after the rain, I might see a rainbow.

Understanding what this is all about...

I feel that at this moment that my head is currently sufficiently clear to write about what is bugging me. It wasn't so clear yesterday. I am thinking in the easy case, time will just help us ease through things. I could get used to you, you could get used to me. Maybe. Just maybe, we could get used to each other. In the hard scenario, there would be tempers flaring. I will not flare up, I will internalize it. It's bad, but I don't know of any other ways of having an outlet other than exploding. I look very ugly when I explode. I don't want you ever to see me like that. I guess, the main problem, is with me. I think I demand attention, I don't call out for it but I expect it. I guess you would not know what this because you have not experienced it before. But it sure will not look like the novels. The nice sweet part will last, maybe 1 month, then what? I don't really have the energy to pull through this, I guess, it's up to you.

How it turns out is as good as anybody's guess. I appreciate what you said about love but these are the same words as I had heard in the past. Somehow, knowledge of that does not give me much comfort. I try so hard to shield myself from further hurt but you convinced me to take the same step again. I am scared, and at the same time, very tempted. So, in the meantime, I will just pray that some good will come out of it. I have already been scarred, but I don't want you to go through what I go through. Ever.

Meant to be or...???

I have enough experience to know when things cannot work out. Does pre-empting the eventuality lessen the hurt? I don't know, maybe I shall try and see how. I shall boldly point out the following. 1) You are eventually going to get bored of me. 2) I will not be able to take your less than 100% attention. 3) Green eyed monster will resurface. 4) Our mutual bad tempers will clash. 5) External factors will bring us apart. 6) Long distance never works. 7) Lifestyle differences.

Why? Few reasons. 1) I like peace and quiet and stare at the computer screen in a warm bed. You like parties, crowds, social events. 2) Maturity level difference, you are invincible, you want to rule the world. Me? I just want my cup of tea. 3) Chalk and cheese, oil and water, fire and water, black and white just don't mix and never will mix. Mixing any of the above two will just be a futile exercise. 4) One day, you are going to realise that there is someone out there who is more suited for you and that I am just a 'spur of the moment'. 5) You never had the confidence that it will work in the first place. 6) Do you really know what love means?

Regardless, you are one person I am grateful for for opening me up in my difficult time (again I say it). I don't want you to feel any bit of pity towards me. Did you love me out of pity? I don't take charity. I have some pride left. I hope none of the above will ever come true. But I am in no position to control anything. Together or not, I will wish you the very best. From the bottom of my heart.

Is this for real?

Sometimes I think what I am dealing with is not the full package. I only see one part and then there is this other part that is covered by the table cloth. I cannot fully comprehend myself much less try to comprehend someone else. Maybe it is just me or maybe it is just the way it revolves? Could it be that my demands are too high? Or maybe I am not able to handle such matters? This may be something that I should look into. Can I handle something so different from what I am used to? Maybe not. Maybe I should just stick my head into the cold and let the senses get to me. I cannot think right now. But well, circular plugs cannot fit into square sockets. If that really is the case, then too bad...

Humbled, touched, pensive, happy...

I read it again and again and I sense the message. I understand where you are coming from and I think that it is very fortunate that I have someone like you understanding what I am thinking about. There are obvious difficulties, major obstacles ahead. More obstacles than anything smooth but eventually we will get there. I am happy that you care so much. Even more happy to know that you understand me. And extremely happy with your message. Thank you for wanting to take the risk. I am humbled by that. Thank you for wanting me to want you. I am touched by your gesture. Thank you for saying that you have a lot of time. As I do. And thank you for making me very very happy this past month.

Cleaning up...

Clearing things and tidying stuff makes me think about hair cut. As the hair is shaven and cleared, the head gradually feels lighter. That is the same for cleaning up. Because as I see the shelves becoming empty and now in a position to hold my things. I now feel as if I am in complete possession of the shelf. As I sit here and type this passage, I also wonder whether the previous person before me and the person before the previous person and the person before that had the same thinking. Things are in a semi mess. But it is my mess. This means that I know where my things are and I feel comfortable in the condition I am in. This also means that I am in fully in control of things. This is very different from the state I was in up to a month ago. In short, I feel a certain coziness that I have not felt in ages. So, while sometimes, life takes the wrong turn around, I think, it is possible to brake, stop and reverse into the right direction. Continue with the journey!!!

I just love Matchbox Twenty. Hahaha. =)

Counting my blessings, 1, 2, 3....

I am truly a blessed person. I have parents who love me and care for me more than any other thing in the world. I have friends who can laugh or listen me when I am up or down. I have superiors who like my effort and appreciate my work. I have people who look up to me for what I do. I have one guiding light. Why should I be complaining? All these bitching about everything? Making everything look so pathetic. I am truly on the track back to normalcy and I really think that soon, things will be ok again. Things will never never be exactly the same. But some flow can return to it. I can revert to my love of work, my love of nature, my love of the clear blue sky. It is ironic that it takes a violent shake-up to put things into perspective. I have truly awoken. It just had to happen. I jumped into sticky glue and wringed and twisted and turned. I got out of it. And now I am enjoying music again. My mind is clear and fresh. Not fully recovered. But well on my way.

A new start...

Forget all the things that has happened in the past because the past is not worth caring. The past has left me scarred and unhappy. Moving on because the way forward will give me more. I don't want to remember the long drawn past because I have made stupid mistakes which I do not wish to repeat ever again. The future is here and ready for me to move into. Looking back and until very very recently, I have made terrible judgments, moved in totally wrong directions, and unable to comprehend what it was all about. I hope my past does not come back to haunt me because I do not want my beautiful future to be ruined. I am confused and tend to make a lot of mistakes. But this time, please preserve what is with me. What is with me is very fragile. I do not want her to get hurt. Take it slow, one step at a time.

One more chance for me??? Please???

Boldly step into the unknown...

This is what I can tell myself right now. I will probably give it one more shot. As I stick my foot in, I will hope and pray that this time it will be good. It is not easy for me but I feel like this time it might be worth it. Might be. Does it matter when all we need is to be happy? Should we enjoy happiness in the shortsighted view of things and then hope for the best in the future? I have so many questions but no answers in sight. Is this going to be heartbreak again? I am not sure. And as usual, I am working based on my gut.

Chicken soup must be cooked in a slow cooker...

because if you rush things and turn up the flame, a few things could happen. 1) The water runs dry and you end up with a burnt pot, 2) The chicken gets overcooked and the meat disintegrates, 3) The soup obtained is not clear, 4) You use up more energy (and fuel) and end up with horrible soup, 5) Even if you don't mind all the above, the handles of the pot are too hot to handle. This time round, I want soup the way I want it. I want to concentrate on preparing the best soup that I can have. After all, the fun is in the making of the soup. Drinking it is the final and most obvious last step. Chicken soup, if prepared properly, can heal the soul (how cliche). The clear soup will purge the body of toxins and wash away any remnants. Lately, I seem to have discovered the recipe for making the soup. Now on understanding the steps, I start to understand why the last soup I had tasted sour.

Maybe all I need is some patience.

Realisation..

Yesterday, I said that things are over. Today marks the day when I realise the irreversibility of the situation and tried to take steps to clear everything. I don't think I will ever fully purge the system. In a strange way, I think, I looked at the past one last time. The smiles, both mine and hers, looked radiant. The promises that I had made. The promises that she made. All have come to nought. Yes, halfway through, I weakened. But I must remain strong, at least for this initial stage. To end this totally, I must remember never never to have contact with her. I must remember the basis on which I took the decision. The reason why I did so. Today, therefore, is the most important day. After today, I cannot act on my instincts anymore. The time should come for me to move on. I must remember not to do anything to jeopardise everything that I have now just for one person. I must think twice before acting.

As of today, I have moved on...

Further to my earlier post, I want to say that I have moved on. No more words you say will make me look back. I have locked up all the memories and kept them inside my heart. No one will ever know how hurt I have been nor do I intend to tell anyone what I went through. As I begin to see the light, everything becomes clear. I realise seriously, for the first time in all honesty, that it is over.

Yes, it is over...

New feelings???

Sometimes, you never know what a person is like until the 'make-or-break' point. I never saw that side of her during the time I so intensely loved her. What transpired was totally unbelievable and totally out of my expectations. I feel bad not because I have lost it. But because I seem to have made a wrong choice and wasted everyone's time. But that is over and I have to move on. On the other hand, some things happen when you least expect it. Now, as I am recovering from this hurt and trauma, I am very fortunate to have excellent support. From a most unexpected source. This source has absorbed a lot of my woes and tolerated my wallowing. I cannot express my gratitude enough. Thank you. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart. You have pulled me through from this dark times and I am slowly seeing the sense of your words. You spent so much time opening me up even when you have other things on. Just when I thought that my heart is dead, you have revived it so quickly. It is nice to know somewhere, from the most unexpected source, someone cares so deeply. At least I know that you do not have any baggage and your words are pure and simple. Deep down, although I do not say it, I long to see some progress. But from my experience, I know I must not rush anything. This time around, que sera sera, whatever will be will be.

I have fallen once before, I really do not wish to fall again.

The feelings are hard to erase but...



I have to keep my senses about it. I have a tinge of regret, now and then. I do remember how it all started. The feelings that I used to have and could never get it back. It took me so long to express myself and set myself up for trouble. Finally, it was all just a bad dream. The tough days, the happy days, the days spent talking. I keep thinking back. Inadvertably, I have bad feelings. I cannot help but feel my heart sinking. For a very very short period, I had enjoyed true love. Did I? Is this what I have been looking for? Did I ask for heartbreak? My heart died after that period. All the troubles that I went through. I never thought would make me like this. I felt invincible. I believed I could change the fortunes. I believed in what I thought was true love. A big fat joke. I am left with nothing. But I will build it back. I must piece myself back one piece at a time.

Emo?

Have been locked up in a loopy state since a month or two ago. I long to snap out of it but no matter where I go, I get overcome by loneliness. Someone was right about me. I am a person who just appears to be strong, who appears to be a cynic. Actually I am not. I look back a lot and I regret a lot of things. Over and over again, I have made the wrong decision. Over and over again, I have hurt the people around me. People who matter and who used to matter. Is my mind not working fine? Shall I prop it up with supplements? I want to be someone who can make up my own mind and live my own life. I don't want to have a life that is burdened by baggage. Held back or even hanging on to the past. When people much younger than me have their own mindset, I just feel like I am lagging behind. At least my life is fully mine now over here. But it is lonely. No friends. And also I feel I cannot open up to people. Not yet anyway. Could it be easier if the bus just knocked me down? But that would make me a coward. No one knows exactly what I am going through now. I feel like I am here but not totally here. What am I doing with my life??!!! Time dilutes everything. As if!!! I don't care for this cliche words anymore. All I know is that somewhere in my heart, it feels so hurt and miserable and confused with all that I have gone through. Ha. Stage 1. I am at stage 1. How right. I know myself less and less.

Rehabilitation

I will not harp on about finding peace but I do have thoughts about recovery. After the aftermath of any major fallout, there is bound to be serious (and maybe permanent) damage. Earthquakes shatter houses, tornados sweep away everything in its path, fires raze forests and breakups empty hearts. When it all ended, did I feel a tinge of regret? Definitely. I thought that this WAS it. Now, it is clearly shown to be otherwise. Why did I choose this path? Circumstance, 'the right thing to do', prospect. Even as it happened, I must admit that the events affected me far more than I would have liked. It leaves a bitter taste. Erased my memories. Made me now a very untrusting person. Left me hollow. These symptoms, I keep reminding myself, are the inital symptoms of such a fallout. I should snap out of it. I hope. In order to snap out of it, I have to get on the path of recovery. Where does that lead me to? Is it a direct route? Or do I have to go round and round to get to the final destination? I myself should be convinced that this is finally good for me. I must not be wishy-washy and make a clean cut. It will hurt but if I wrap it in plaster, it will heal eventually. But the tumour must come off. Otherwise, it will kill me. Die, old relationship. Just die and go away. Cast your shadow on someone else. Not me. I want my life back. Do not drag me back with images of your pitiful looks, honeyed words, and sorry gestures. I will not fall for it anymore. My mind is hardened. My heart has to follow.