Running on a near empty tank

I never blog without feeling in an extreme mood. Most of the time, in a low mood. I did it again. I turned green, without much thought. It was just instinctive. A feeling of inadequacy. I could not control it as usual. To my credit, I think I have tried real hard for this case. Real hard just wasn't good enough. Will she ever change? I hope she will, I really hope so. Once again, the greatest happiness comes from her. The greatest sadness is also attributed to her. I could have said a thousand and one unpleasant sounding things which would hurt her but I guess it would be useless. She is so naive. Her mind works in really simple ways. And she craves for attention. I have no idea what to do with that. Maybe, I will slowly turn mad. But it is also my fault. It was me who fell in love first. Who knows? Right now, will she be partying, drinking, hugging others? Someone help me regain my senses.

Why is this happening to me again?

This is torturing me again. Why am I always in a situation where I don't have control over my life when I really want to have control? And yet I keep wanting to trade away my 'apparent freedom' just to keep everything in peace. I feel very tight in my heart. I feel like I don't really know what is happening anymore. I feel myself spiralling down. Down into the eye of a vortex. I don't really see much meaning in this anymore. Mutual anger, hard words, trying to make things seem natural. The tired tone. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT??!!

I cannot stand this anymore. I really cannot. Please don't let me get sucked into the abyss.

Down...

I fell down. And now I am lying on the floor. Cold and brain dead. I wish time can rewind. I wish I did not say the words I said. I wish I had not spoilt your otherwise great day. I wish I can just shut up.

I am like a dumb trying to speak. I have a mouth but no words can come out.

Felt anger...

I felt an uncontrollable anger when I heard what you said. You have this amazing ability to make me angry, feel protective and then feel totally like an idiot after the whole episode. You have changed all my sense of moods after just this short time. Sometimes, I don't know if I will implode in your face. You really make me worry worry a lot. I should just trust you and let you have your own way. But somehow, I still do not have the confidence to do that. We both need to learn. This is where the tough part begins.