Looking back and moving on...



It took me about 6 months before the hurt finally healed and I am ready to move on. I remember that day when my face turned red. I remembered the excitment I had. I remembered the pride I had. I remembered the dark clouds. I remembered the closing. I seem to have moved on since then. Truth is, my path is as winding and probably now more contorted than ever. I have taken in some hard hits. I have felt pain. It is all part of growing up. Over these 6 months, I have changed slowly. But I have also slowly but surely screwed up my life. For all the horrible and nasty things I have done and said and implied, I am surely going to be punished. I am scared but I think all these will happen to me soon. If at all, if it makes things easier for all the people who are attached to me. Let it hit me.

Becoming a horrible person...

I never wanted to be the type of person that I am now. Somewhere, something just went wrong. I am very very deficient in many many aspects. No man is perfect but I am grossly imperfect. My actions today can hurt many people. People who are close to me, people who loved me. I wonder how did I turn out to be like this? Was it just waiting to be unleashed? Or was it built up from circumstances? All I know is that, this has the potential to explode full in my face. When your left and right hands are full with what you want, which hand do you choose?
And as if my problems are not enough, why do I particularly have such a weakness? This weakness could ruin me in a day. I know that. I am sane now and I am saying this. But in the spur of the moment, all rational thoughts fall through. Grossly contaminated, grossly imperfect, I need to find some source of strength.