Emo?

Have been locked up in a loopy state since a month or two ago. I long to snap out of it but no matter where I go, I get overcome by loneliness. Someone was right about me. I am a person who just appears to be strong, who appears to be a cynic. Actually I am not. I look back a lot and I regret a lot of things. Over and over again, I have made the wrong decision. Over and over again, I have hurt the people around me. People who matter and who used to matter. Is my mind not working fine? Shall I prop it up with supplements? I want to be someone who can make up my own mind and live my own life. I don't want to have a life that is burdened by baggage. Held back or even hanging on to the past. When people much younger than me have their own mindset, I just feel like I am lagging behind. At least my life is fully mine now over here. But it is lonely. No friends. And also I feel I cannot open up to people. Not yet anyway. Could it be easier if the bus just knocked me down? But that would make me a coward. No one knows exactly what I am going through now. I feel like I am here but not totally here. What am I doing with my life??!!! Time dilutes everything. As if!!! I don't care for this cliche words anymore. All I know is that somewhere in my heart, it feels so hurt and miserable and confused with all that I have gone through. Ha. Stage 1. I am at stage 1. How right. I know myself less and less.