Becoming a horrible person...

I never wanted to be the type of person that I am now. Somewhere, something just went wrong. I am very very deficient in many many aspects. No man is perfect but I am grossly imperfect. My actions today can hurt many people. People who are close to me, people who loved me. I wonder how did I turn out to be like this? Was it just waiting to be unleashed? Or was it built up from circumstances? All I know is that, this has the potential to explode full in my face. When your left and right hands are full with what you want, which hand do you choose?
And as if my problems are not enough, why do I particularly have such a weakness? This weakness could ruin me in a day. I know that. I am sane now and I am saying this. But in the spur of the moment, all rational thoughts fall through. Grossly contaminated, grossly imperfect, I need to find some source of strength.