Note to P:

I guess you really hate me for what I have done. I know that I am wrong too but no matter what I do or say, the wrong has been done. I cannot reverse time. I am extremely regretful of what I have done and very sorry that I have hurt you. Actions speak louder than words, it's true. But your coldness and aloofness hurts. Why do you treat me like a stranger? Am I not worth a second look? Can't you see that I am really sorry for what I have done?

I have been really really an ass somehow. I am trying to make up for it. But don't close the door on me. Don't slam the door in my face because I cannot take it that the person slamming the door is you. Somehow, you and probably the whole world who knows about this will say slamming the door and punishing me is the best thing that you can do. But what is the use of all these? Will it undo the wrong done? Will it make any of us happier?

Looking back and moving on...



It took me about 6 months before the hurt finally healed and I am ready to move on. I remember that day when my face turned red. I remembered the excitment I had. I remembered the pride I had. I remembered the dark clouds. I remembered the closing. I seem to have moved on since then. Truth is, my path is as winding and probably now more contorted than ever. I have taken in some hard hits. I have felt pain. It is all part of growing up. Over these 6 months, I have changed slowly. But I have also slowly but surely screwed up my life. For all the horrible and nasty things I have done and said and implied, I am surely going to be punished. I am scared but I think all these will happen to me soon. If at all, if it makes things easier for all the people who are attached to me. Let it hit me.

Becoming a horrible person...

I never wanted to be the type of person that I am now. Somewhere, something just went wrong. I am very very deficient in many many aspects. No man is perfect but I am grossly imperfect. My actions today can hurt many people. People who are close to me, people who loved me. I wonder how did I turn out to be like this? Was it just waiting to be unleashed? Or was it built up from circumstances? All I know is that, this has the potential to explode full in my face. When your left and right hands are full with what you want, which hand do you choose?
And as if my problems are not enough, why do I particularly have such a weakness? This weakness could ruin me in a day. I know that. I am sane now and I am saying this. But in the spur of the moment, all rational thoughts fall through. Grossly contaminated, grossly imperfect, I need to find some source of strength.

Ignored...

That is the worst feeling that one can go through. Waiting, waiting and no reply, no answer, nothing. Dropping in confidence. Well, tolerate. Bottomline: See where the limit is. I don't see myself sustaining this very long anyway. I just hope and look forward to enjoying the ride.

Disappointed again...

So time and again, she disappoints me. Tell her not to do this and she does it. Why does she always do it? She and her words. All a load of crap. So so so disappointed in her and her actions. At this rate, it might not last. I am serious.

Ups and downs

So it has been an eventful one month. We have not seen eye to eye. Couldn't stand the sight of each other. Argued over trivial things. Basically not getting anything right. The feeling has subsided quite a bit since then. It even crossed my mind to end it. But it would hurt her and she does not deserve to be hurt this way. So I am staying on. I don't know how long. But I am just holding on. I am not a perfect person but she's definitely not perfect, in fact a lot of things that she does irritates me. Immature is probably the word I can use to describe her when I am upset. But if I say that, all hell breaks loose. Maybe one day she will grow up. I really wish. She is not the usual ideal partner that I see and dream of having. But still I am holding on. Can I see daylight? Is there hope?

A Strangely Close Friend?

Been thinking of this the whole morning. What is that supposed to mean? Definition from www.dictionary.com.

–noun

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

Feelings of affection. Check. Feelings of personal regard. Check. Attachment. Check.

A close friend is someone whom you have entered a closer than close relationship with. How close is close? Hang out? Frequent hang outs? Hugs? Kisses? More? What is the line and where are the limits? When the strange questions come out what does it mean? This is a weird weird world already and I think I have made it weirder. Therefore, I now have a strange close friend. So screwed.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Sometimes the new year comes and starts off like the way I left it last year. Complicated... Am I just an incredibly lucky person, or just a total idiot??