Rainy weather

Day 3 here and I am trying to find peace in my own space. A new life, a new place, a new pace. Will it erase every terrible memory that is embedded in my mind? I have made a horrendous mistake by starting something that had to be ended. And when it ended, it finished in a horrid way. And because of this episode, I am no longer myself. Everyday, I pray that I will improve and be a better person. But will I ever be? This is something that I will never find answer to. Who was in the right, who was in the wrong? I will also never know. All my verbal promises now ring hollow, the echos are eerily resonating in my head. My memory is deteriorating day by day. My mental state seems weaker than what it was 3 months back. I keep going around in circles, making mistakes and compounding them. I feel sleepy sometimes, but I cannot rest. My neck muscles ache, my heart aches, my head is hollow. I move one step slower than my usual pace. I want to say something but I forget what I intended to say. I want to cry out but I have no more tears. It seems a part of me has died. But still I feel that this might not be the end of the whole thing. I am afraid to choose. I do not have the guts actually. But in the end I had to make a decision. I had experienced a high a few months back and now I have crashed to a horrible low. My life. I accept. My punishment. I fear there will be more. I know that I am not a good person and I am beginning to detest myself. But what can I do? Every time my eyes close now, I keep thinking that I am a failure. In spite of all the achievements that I have, nothing comes close to equalling the joy I felt that May. In spite of the disappointments that I felt in my life, nothing hurts me more than what hurt my more in September. I want to say sorry to all that I have hurt. But sorry is a word that is used once too often. I want to say that if I disappear from this earth, there would be no problems. But I did not dare to disappear. So I run. Away from all the influences that bring me joy, hope, security, anger, disappointment, hurt and pain. I am not under control now but am I happier? Can I find true happiness? I wonder.

The rain, it keeps falling. It reflects my mood now, damp and dark.